It was two years ago that Ava took her last breath. It seemed to happen so fast. We found out her tumor had grown and two days later she was gone. There were signs that she wasn’t getting better. I don’t think we wanted to see them. She wasn’t eating or drinking. There was talk of a feeding tube. She couldn’t void her bladder. Her little body was shutting down. I was so angry at her body for failing her. It wasn’t supposed to grow a tumor that would kill her. It was supposed to be healthy.
I haven’t let myself feel all the emotions that come with Ava being gone. I’m trying to remember that’s okay. That my mind will allow me to feel what I can handle. I guess right now I can’t really handle much. It just hurts so much to know she isn’t here. I can say the words but I don’t really believe them. I still feel like I’m in a dream. It didn’t happen. I will wake up and she will hug and kiss me and everything will be okay.
She finally got the baby brother she wanted, only he won’t know just how awesome she was. He will have to hear from us about her instead of getting to know her himself. This is not how it should be but this is our life now. Forever thinking of how it would have been. What funny things would she be saying? Who would be her favorite characters? Would she be looking less like a little girl and more grown up? Would she still love puzzles? The questions are never ending and I don’t have any answers to them.
I do know that she loved us and she knew how much we loved her. I can take comfort in that.
While your child starts school today, we are thinking of a sweet girl who would have been starting 1st grade. Ava loved school! She would come home each day wilth her assignments and crafts and tell me all the fun things she got to do each day. One of her favorite things about school was picking out her outfits for the week. She really was such a fashionista! She had to wear a dress every.singe.day. and a pretty bow.
|Ava and her friend Chloe.|
She had a special friendship with two of her classmates, a little girl and little boy. It was so sweet how she would talk about her friends so much and i can imagine all the classroom fun they had!
The first day of school is a very exciting and sometimes nerve wracking time. We would love for Ava to be experiencing her first day. Of course this is sombering for us. We miss Ava so much and know that there will be many "should of" milestones that we must face without her. Take the time today to think about how lucky you are that your child is growing and you get to experience firsts with them. You know we would give anything to do that.
Not being able to celebrate Ava's birthday with her is very difficult. It has completely changed my view on birthdays. I used to get a little sad that my *babies* were growing older with each birthday but now it really is a celebration. I know how fleeting life can be. I never would of thought Ava would only get to have 5 birthdays here on earth. I can only imagine the party she is having in heaven today.