The Day Our World Changed

It was two years ago that Ava took her last breath.  It seemed to happen so fast.  We found out her tumor had grown and two days later she was gone.  There were signs that she wasn’t getting better.  I don’t think we wanted to see them.  She wasn’t eating or drinking.  There was talk of a feeding tube.  She couldn’t void her bladder.  Her little body was shutting down.  I was so angry at her body for failing her.  It wasn’t supposed to grow a tumor that would kill her.  It was supposed to be healthy. 

I haven’t let myself feel all the emotions that come with Ava being gone.  I’m trying to remember that’s okay.  That my mind will allow me to feel what I can handle.  I guess right now I can’t really handle much.  It just hurts so much to know she isn’t here.  I can say the words but I don’t really believe them.  I still feel like I’m in a dream.  It didn’t happen.  I will wake up and she will hug and kiss me and everything will be okay.    

She finally got the baby brother she wanted, only he won’t know just how awesome she was.  He will have to hear from us about her instead of getting to know her himself.  This is not how it should be but this is our life now.  Forever thinking of how it would have been.  What funny things would she be saying?  Who would be her favorite characters?  Would she be looking less like a little girl and more grown up?  Would she still love puzzles?  The questions are never ending and I don’t have any answers to them. 

I do know that she loved us and she knew how much we loved her.  I can take comfort in that.       

2 Responses to “The Day Our World Changed”
  1. Summer says:

    I can only imagine. My heart is with you, and if it helps knowing Ava's story, helps me be a better Mama. <3 Hugs this holiday season.

  2. Sigh. . .

    There just aren't words.

    Sending you love, Cynthia.

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