So hard to believe it has been two months since I last held Ava. Her death is much more real to me now than it was right after she passed. Someone told me that our hearts only let us take in what we can handle and each day I've been able to take in more. I'm still distracting myself as best I can but she is never far from my mind and my heart.
Everything is still so hard. I break down when I see her pictures or when Myla says how much she misses her (which she tells me at least five times a day). Our home is now quiet when it was filled with Ava's laughter. I think that is the worst. Her giggle was so sweet and loud! I miss it and her so very much.
We have noticed signs she is sending us that she is still with us. It brings comfort right now that we desperately need. I had the most wonderful dream about her on Christmas. She was in heaven with long flowing hair surrounded by light. She told me she was okay and that she loved me. Then she told me I was the best mommy in the whole wide world! It was so sweet to hear that from her again.
And because I know you miss her smile too, here is a picture of her with her daddy.
Ava loved Disney World so much! Such a fun, magical place where she could be a princess, go on rides and meet her favorite characters. Since her make a wish trip in March she kept saying how she wanted to go back. Thanks to Wish Upon a Hero and her hospice team, we were able to take her.
Ava wasn't feel well during this trip. It was the beginning of her little body starting to shut down. We didn't know that and looking back it makes sense how tired she was and how she hardly ate. She didn't want to go on rides like last time but she did love meeting all the princesses. We got to have lunch at Cinderella's castle and I think that was the highlight of her trip. They announced each princess and Ava's face was so full of excitement!
We also got a chance to meet the singer LeAnn Rimes. She works with Wish Upon a Hero and helped us wish Ava's wish. They colored a picture and Ava sang to her! It was great!
We are very happy to have had the chance to take this trip with Ava. It was a wonderful way to spend her last days with us.
I have wanted to write since Ava's passing but I couldn't find the words. Many of you have asked how our family is doing. Our hearts hurt. They don't hurt every minute of the day but the pain lingers and rises when we don't expect it to.
Discovering a present Ava hid under her bed, doing laundry and finding her last bit of dirty clothes and looking at her photos all have caused me to cry and face the loss we all feel without her.
Her funeral was beautiful. We found the prettiest pink coffin for her and she was buried with all of her favorite stuffed animals. She was dressed in all white and her head was adorned with her prettiest princess crown.
Her daddy gave the euology. He said, ..."Ava lived her life for every moment and taught us to do the same. To enjoy the cuddles and quiet times just as much as the laughs and silly moments. Ava will be forever missed but never forgotten. Her shining light is now a part of everyone who knew her and we will always treasure that in our hearts." That is just what we will do.
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| Photos coursety of Morgan Kervin Photorgraphy |
I love pictures. I love to take them and to edit them and share them. There is something about a gorgeous photo that stops me in my tracks. A really beautiful photo has the ability to transport you and your emotions. I don't think I understand that more than I do now.
I look back at photos of Ava and I want to cry and laugh at the same time. Cry because most of them were taken at a time of pure innocence. No tumor in her brain. No threat of her leaving us. Just a happy, healthy child growing and playing.
Photos now mean something else. They aren't to capture how she is growing or what she looked like when she was five. They are to capture her in case she has to leave us. They are so we can remember every detail of her smile and every light in her eyes. Someday photographs may be all we have left.
Every single photo that has been taken of Ava over these last ten months has meant the world to me. Our family has been lucky enough to have some wonderful photographers capture Ava's spirit in ways we will treasure forever.
Some families going through this same situation need help in connecting with photographers that can give them the greatest gift, memories of their fighters. That is why I'm sharing The Gold Hope Project. Their mission is bring awareness to childhood cancer through photography and along the way families get those precious memories that will last a lifetime. If you know of a photographer or fighter that would like to apply to be a part of the project, please share it with them!
Ava's glitter photo shoot was the first one from the project and we are honored she is the ambassador for TGHP. Please spread the word about this wonderful charity that means so much to us!
To see all of Ava's glitter photos, click here.
Ava's glitter photo shoot was the first one from the project and we are honored she is the ambassador for TGHP. Please spread the word about this wonderful charity that means so much to us!
To see all of Ava's glitter photos, click here.
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